Should Christians always forgive? The initial response of most people in the Christian faith is “Yes.” The popular understanding of Christianity seems to include the necessity of forgiveness, regardless of the magnitude of the sin or offence. And I think that’s one reason why some people outside of the church see the Christian faith as naïve and irrelevant. Must we forgive everyone every time for everything? Is forgiveness on the part of a follower of Jesus to be as automatic as the reflex of a knee jerk when the physician hits one with a rubber hammer?
An article from a past issue of the now defunct The Christian Century dispels the idea that the meaning of Christian discipleship automatically equates with the act of forgiveness. Ruth Schmidt, age sixteen, was raped by a stranger while she walked home from work, losing the young woman she once was forever on that night. “I see differently. I hear differently. I surely believe differently. . . I watch television, read the paper, magazines, and books, as a woman who has been raped.” Ruth remembers many beginnings: “The first time I felt something other than numb—the first time I wanted to commit suicide—the first time I walked alone—the first time I looked at myself naked without seeing the fingerprints of the man who raped me all over my body.” And Ruth also remembers an ending: “The last time I said the Lord’s Prayer and included ‘forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.’” Ruth’s life continues with struggles, risks, and pain. Her basic self-esteem, her sense of ownership of her own body, her sense of security and confidence in the world and in herself—all these things have been violated. She is not yet able to forgive the man who raped her. To insist or counsel her to do so would wound her more deeply.
So, how do we square this with our passage for today—a passage which seems to say that we must forgive time after time after time, as often as we are sinned against? Does the Christian faith require that the victim be victimized again as they force themselves to forgive their trespassers? In our concern for reconciling the sinner, have we forgotten those sinned against?
Just like many other central concepts within the Christian faith—concepts like faith, grace, love, hope, discipleship—forgiveness is too often understood in simplistic, fluffy, and superficial ways.
Upon reflection, I suggest that we will discover that the problem is not so much with the Bible and Jesus’ teachings as it is our understanding of the dynamics of forgiveness. Just like many other central concepts within the Christian faith—concepts like faith, grace, love, hope, discipleship—forgiveness is too often understood in simplistic, fluffy, and superficial ways. Forgiveness is an essential ingredient in the Christian faith, but forgiveness involves far more than just our willingness to forgive.
We must first draw a distinction between our willingness and our ability to forgive. When we are terribly violated, it takes time to recover to the point of being able to forgive the one who has hurt us. To force forgiveness upon us when we are not yet ready and able to forgive violates us even more, further stripping away our already abused humanity. Rather than providing the healing it claims, forced forgiveness can compound the injury by turning victims into “wrongdoers” if they do not forgive, and focusing attention away from their pain onto the restitution of the perpetrator. Perhaps it is wrong for us to refuse to forgive when we are able and healing is possible. But there is a vast difference between stubbornly refusing to forgive and being unable to forgive because of the pain and violation still festering in one’s soul. To insist upon forgiveness when it is not yet possible or healthy is to compound the suffering and evil. And that can never be the intention of a good and loving God.
The second dynamic of forgiveness is repentance—not repentance of the victim who is not ready to forgive but repentance of the perpetrator. Far too often what the church should call for is not quick forgiveness but deep repentance. The basic problem is often not the unwillingness of victims to forgive but the refusal of perpetrators to repent. For the church to demand forgiveness from victims and to ignore the necessity of repentance from perpetrators is to rob people of a faith that does justice.
In our parable for today, we could argue that the problem is not so much the refusal of one servant to forgive another. The problem is that one servant has refused to repent, to change, to be transformed. He has been forgiven much by his master, but on his part, he refuses to accept that forgiveness and change his self-centered, irresponsible, and greedy life. It is his refusal to change which is at the root of his problem. Such transformation would have naturally led to his forgiveness of trivial debt owed him by his fellow servant.
As theologian Mary E. Hunt says, repentance begins with the recognition on the part of the person who has done wrong that he or she has erred. It continues when that awareness is voiced and forgiveness is requested. Repentance proceeds when the person resolves not to repeat the harmful behavior. It culminates in a show of good faith with a willingness to make amends concretely for what has caused the harm (provided these attempts to make amends do not bring further pain to the one who has been hurt). Then, and only then, is true and transforming forgiveness possible, and always at the discretion of the one who has been hurt. Repentance is the duty of the perpetrator. Forgiveness is the gift of the victim.
Such repentance leads to the third dynamic of forgiveness: reconciliation. Paul wrote, “God was in Christ reconciling the world unto the Divine Self.” The ultimate goal of God for humanity and creation is reconciliation which reconciles us to God, to others, to ourselves, and to all creation.
Reconciliation implies a restored, healed relationship—a mutuality of caring and respect—a meeting of minds and hearts—an encounter with truth, compassion, and justice. The goal of reconciliation reminds us that forgiveness occurs within a relationship—that forgiveness must be acknowledged and received—that in a very real sense, forgiveness occurs when one’s willingness to forgive is matched by the other’s willingness to receive that forgiveness and to repent. Genuine reconciliation begins when people realize and admit that they have caused harm. In other words, it begins with the repentance of the perpetrator. Now, the victim may choose to forgive even if the perpetrator refuses to repent and acknowledge the harm he or she has caused. This is sometimes done to help the victim get on with life and to lance the hurt festering within. At other times, such forgiveness is offered after the one harmed has spent time in prayer and is able to forgive out of a genuine understanding of mercy which flows from their own experience of the merciful love and grace of God. But for forgiveness to result in reconciliation, which is the ultimate goal of all salvation, the perpetrator must repent.
For example, for cycles of spousal, child, and sexual abuse to end, there must be change—change both in individuals and in social and familial structures. Evil must be confronted and repented if reconciliation is ever to occur and if real healing is ever to bless our planet. Dark secrets cannot be swept forever under the rug, especially when those secrets continue to manipulate and poison human lives. Forgiveness without repentance and reconciliation may help the victims get on with their lives. But when forgiveness is not accompanied by repentance and reconciliation, the just and healing purpose of God for humanity remains thwarted within the heart of the perpetrator.
One of the best examples of forgiveness accompanied by repentance and reconciliation is found in Alice Walker’s novel The Color Purple. Although such is hinted at in the movie, it is central to the novel. The main character Celie for years has been sexually, physically, and emotionally abused by her husband whom she calls simply “Mister.” He even keeps the letters her sister has written to her so that Celie doesn’t even know whether her sister is alive. Finally, Celie discovers the letters and learns that not only is her sister alive and doing well but Celie’s own son and daughter (who were born after her step-father raped her multiple times) are with Nettie in Africa within the home of a missionary family.
Celie finally musters the courage to leave her abusive husband. As she leaves, Mister tells her that she will never amount to anything because she’s Black, a woman, ugly, and poor. But as Celie finds her own life, she discovers that Black is beautiful; that being a woman is wonderful; that she has a beauty all her own; and through her talents as a seamstress, she can become a successful business woman.
As the years pass, Mister begins to understand the harm he has caused Celie. When Celie moves back to her hometown, Mister slowly offers himself to Celie as a friend, apologizing for his abuse to her. He does many little things to make her life more comfortable. They enjoy each other’s company, not as husband and wife or as lovers, but as friends who respect and care for each other. Mister, who now is Albert to Celie, even becomes Celie’s business partner and is the one who can really listen to Celie and understand her deepest thoughts and needs. And it is Albert who provides the means for Celie’s children and her beloved sister to return home from Africa. The novel ends with Celie, Albert, and Celie’s family and close friends sitting on the front porch sharing the good life and discovering the rebirth of their youths as they at last know how to love one another. After years of healing, Celie is able to forgive. Albert is willing to repent. Reconciliation, resulting in a beloved community of caring family and friends, blossoms. And Dear God smiles on the work of Her hands.
We should forgive when we are able to forgive and when such forgiveness will not violate us even further and deepen our pain.
So, should we as Christians forgive? Yes, as long as we understand the dynamics of forgiveness. We should forgive when we are able to forgive and when such forgiveness will not violate us even further and deepen our pain. We should forgive when our forgiveness is matched by the repentance of the perpetrator and when reconciliation is the goal of both partners—a reconciliation which brings about a restored, healed relationship, a mutuality of caring and respect, and a meeting of truth and justice. In a world of spousal and child abuse; in a world of violence and terror; in a world of scapegoating with all the familiar forms of prejudice from racism to homophobia; in a world which suffers from the feminization of poverty and the ravages of sexism, for the church to preach any other type of forgiveness would be unconscionable. Just as there is no cheap grace, there is no cheap forgiveness—not if just healing and redemptive reconciliation are the goal of God. So, yes, let us forgive one another and even allow that our forgiveness may begin the process which can end in such reconciliation. But let’s make sure we understand the dynamics of the transforming and redemptive forgiveness really needed in our lives and in God’s world.
[I am aware of those extraordinary individuals who are able to forgive authentically even though those who have harmed them show no signs of repentance or a desire for genuine reconciliation. My own mother was such a person. Such amazing grace and forgiveness can change even the most twisted heart and the most hardened perpetrator. Such forgiveness reflects the unconditional love of God. However, it takes time—sometimes, many years—for some people to heal enough to offer this kind of forgiveness. So much healing has to occur before such mercy is possible. My three main points in this sermon are (1) we must not insist on forgiveness from others until they are able to sincerely do so; (2) we must insist on repentance from perpetrators because the truth and confession of our sin must always precede true reconciliation; and (3) the dynamics of forgiveness are complete only when there is the reconciliation desired by God—a reconciliation resulting in the beloved community which, according to the Bible, is ultimate goal of the Creator. At such a time, there will truly be cosmic Shalom—a state of being where nothing is broken and no one is missing.]
Benediction
Depart now in the fellowship of the Spirit.
May the divine gift of forgiveness cleanse your life like a refreshing spring rain.
May the forgiveness you offer mirror the grace of this Broken Bread and Poured Out Wine.
May all forgiveness be matched by transforming repentance.
And may all creation, beginning with you and me, come home to the reconciling love of God.
Amen.
Matthew 18:21-35 (NRSV)
21 Then Peter came and said to him, “Lord, if another member of the church sins against me, how often should I forgive? As many as seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, “Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times. 23 “For this reason the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves. 24 When he began the reckoning, one who owed him ten thousand talents[c] was brought to him; 25 and, as he could not pay, his lord ordered him to be sold, together with his wife and children and all his possessions, and payment to be made. 26 So the slave fell on his knees before him, saying, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ 27 And out of pity for him, the lord of that slave released him and forgave him the debt. 28 But that same slave, as he went out, came upon one of his fellow slaves who owed him a hundred denarii; and seizing him by the throat, he said, ‘Pay what you owe.’ 29 Then his fellow slave fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ 30 But he refused; then he went and threw him into prison until he would pay the debt. 31 When his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their lord all that had taken place. 32 Then his lord summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked slave! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. 33 Should you not have had mercy on your fellow slave, as I had mercy on you?’ 34 And in anger his lord handed him over to be tortured until he would pay his entire debt. 35 So my heavenly Father will also do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother or sister from your heart.
